authenticity, part 1

Authenticity. In my time with people this is what I seem to hear the most from them. “I want a community with authentic people.” “I want to hear authentic teaching.” With authenticity comes this idea of being vulnerable. Being someone who recognizes their imperfection. Being someone who uses his or her own shortcomings as teachable moments. Being someone who understands who they are, and are honest about it.

So I was wondering, why do I struggle with this? I can definitely speak about broadly about the fact that “I struggle.” But why can I not muster the strength to speak openly about arrogance, lust, materialism, selfishness and anger? Why do I not want to recognize who I am? Honestly, why do any of us? If true introspection were to take place would any of us think more highly of ourselves than we should? I find myself asking my critics for criticism only to hear it and feel like I am being scrubbed with steel wool. Has everyone always been this way?

As I have struggled through this wrestling match of the ego, I come to St. Paul. How can a man say, “Oh, what a horrible man I am… of all sinners I am the worst.” How can he say that when he also speaks of the way he was? You know a prized student of Gamiliel, one who had flawless knowledge of the text, a Hebrew of Hebrews, etc. Paul, one who seemingly had such great stature, considers it all a waste in light of what he has gained. And what did he really gain? Shipwrecks. Beatings. Imprisonment. Beatings. Danger. But this is not all. He gained a sense of who he really was in that day when Jesus spoke to him as he was heading to Damascus.