midwest drivers
I am the son of a Cuban immigrant who cut his teeth on driving in and around New York City. He was 18, had a small car and was always angry when he drove because the horn on his car didn’t honk in Spanish. So he drove fast, crazy, and angry. His bride, my Mother so I am told, grew up in New York City in an Irish Catholic neighborhood. Her reflexes and instincts were sharpened as she learned to drive through the neighborhoods and city streets of the City while smoking Viceroy cigarettes. Needless to say, they believe in “defensive driving” which I have learned is quite offensive to most people. As I learned to drive I have memories of a lot of yelling (not at me but at the guy I cut off), my Dad being angry (I drove an Isuzu, the horn was in Japanese), but thankfully my Mom had stopped smoking.
This driving pedigree has now given me the ability to stand as judge over the entire driving world. I am the supreme judge of all drivers, from the car they drive, how they drive, and I am even able to deduce what kind of husband and father they must be by how they drive. Danika who?
It is with this absolute apprehension of all things automotive, that I can now officially speak toward what it is that I have learned from Midwest Drivers. I am done yelling at the woman three cars ahead of me in January while we both have our windows up. So I have resorted to writing about what gets under my skin.
I am working in Holland, MI and living in Grand Rapids, MI. The drive is 33.1 miles, almost all highway, and usually is somewhere around 27 minutes. During my drive I most often pray. People drive by me and see me talking out loud while no one else is in the car and think I am crazy. I don’t mind though, most people who know me intimately think I am crazy too, so at least there is consistency of opinion. I also listen to a lot of music, and sing really loud, and pretend that 27, 863 people have come out to Madison Square Garden to see my third farewell tour. I have learned a lot of lyrics to a lot of songs. I listen to NPR, and laugh at Garrison Keillor and his news from Lake Wobegon where “the women are strong, the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average."
With all of this going on I still have to remember that 33 miles of pavement lie between my home and work, and I have three people at my home that really want me to navigate that pavement well both ways each day. So I pray, sing, laugh, think, and get really mad at people who drive while they don’t pay attention.
During these times of driving I have learned some remarkable things about driving in the Midwest. I realize that I am in Michigan, but I feel as though I can speak about the Midwest due to the large amount of Illinois and Indiana license plates that I see on the stretch of highway on which I plod each day, which eventually leads to Indiana, and further on to Illinois. So without further ado I will now list “Six Things I Have Learned From Midwest Drivers.”
1. DRIVING IS SECONDARY
When one starts their engine, and pulls out of their driveway, the act of driving is subservient to whatever else that person may wish to do. From talking on the phone, putting on mascara, eating a doughnut, playing solitaire, using their computer, shaving, sleeping, taking a shower, or any other thing they may think is more important … driving is always second. It is this attitude toward being behind the wheel that leads to the most problems, and is directly connected to the next five problems.
2. THE FAST LANE
Most of the nation’s drivers know that there actually is something called, “the fast lane” and that it is not just a really bad show starring Tiffani Thiessen (she will always be Kelly Kapowski to me). However in the Midwest, both lanes exist simply to offer the driver more choices. Right lane a little bumpy? Please try the left lane. Now you may think, “Who cares? Pass on the right!” That is where the frustration wells up inside of me like red hot magma. I did. I passed a person who opted for left lane driving while going 55 MPH in the right lane. As I did I saw lights behind me, red and blue lights. I was told by the officer that I could not pass in the right lane. So I asked him if he knew what each lane represented, and how each had a distinct purpose, and that he could by a book about his purpose. He said he knew about all of that, and then charged me $45.00 for asking a few simple questions.
3. TURN SIGNAL
This little invention was created so drivers would no longer have to stick their arm out the window to alert the other drivers around them what they were about to do. However it has more recently become relative. However you wish to use your turn signal (or flashy thing, or whatever you want to call it) is cool. If you want to leave it on for 18 miles while driving in the left lane as you go 55 MPH, that is cool. If you want to turn it on after you have slowed to a crawl, and are in the middle of your right turn and not 200 feet before, that is cool. And, by the way if you don’t ever want to use it, that is cool too. The turn signal has become more like air conditioning. It is nice to have on certain days, but using it all the time doesn’t make sense.
4. FOUR-WAY STOPS
Four-way stops are a chance for passive people who have trouble making decisions to attempt to work through their issues in the anonymous comfort of their own car. When one comes to a four-way stop the their decision making capabilities are stretched. It seems good to the average Midwesterner to wave the car that arrived 30 seconds after they did on ahead of them. Then they wait for cross traffic to stop. Then they drive out to the middle of the intersection before checking traffic again. They then turn on their left-hand turn signal, and make a painstakingly slow right hand turn. Off they go to another four-way stop to continue to work through their issues surrounding indecision.
5. CONSTRUCTION
If there is a sign in the Midwest that says RIGHT LANE CLOSED AHEAD 3 MILES you can bet that that everyone just thinks it better to get in the left lane immediately. The first time I witnessed this phenomenon I thought, “Wow, I have the whole right lane ahead of me for 3 miles!” So I started cruising, and singing to a crowded Madison Square Garden. Suddenly ahead of me another person got the same idea I did. Except, this pick-up truck towing a boat, only pulled out half-way and puttered along with the rest traffic. He was actually policing me. The absolute scorn I received for driving around him on the shoulder was amazing. The horn honking, fingers, and shouts I heard come through my windows, were more than happen in a month in Manhattan.
6. BUMPER-STICKERS
Midwest people are generally polite, and often not too opinionated. They do not want to start an argument with anyone. I used to think it was because they were generally nice, until I realized that their aggression comes out in their bumper-stickers. You would not believe what I have been told, called, and asked to do by these little stickers on people’s cars. I have been told about hell, and why I may be going there. Others tell me that the person driving the car actually thinks they own “the whole d*mn world.” Some are suggestive asking me to HONK if I am … you can put anything here. Some people just want to tell me about their dog, cat, or about their honor student. Whatever offensive political, religious, or intensely personal thing you can think of, I have seen it.
While this list is by no means exhaustive, this is only a taste of what I drive past in the right lane everyday. I love Michigan, but could really do without the drivers to be honest. If you are reading this and you are not in the Midwest, count your blessings, and do not think for one second that your drivers are worse. This problem is an epidemic. If you are reading this and you are from the Midwest, please do not just laugh and nod. I implore you to change your ways.